Being one to hold grudges, I am so unchristlike when it comes to forgiveness. I’m not always sure why I get bent out of shape by some incidents, and not at all by others. If I’m embarrassed by someone, it’s hard for me to get over it. A cousin humiliated me some years ago in front of much of my family, and it took me years to forgive him. I’m almost certain everyone who heard his one comment forgot it within five minutes. No so with me. Not only did I hold it against him, I was vocal about my displeasure. In retrospect, I brought a lot more attention to myself and to the situation than he ever did.
Hindsight is 20/20, yes?
I finally forgave him. And in my heart of hearts, I do not believe he said anything to hurt me, and had he known how I would feel about it, he would have never said anything. That was one comment. With my ex-husband, who did far more than my cousin, I can’t remember that I ever held a grudge. Hardly makes sense does it?
Two different times today, an issue I’ve had trouble forgiving has been brought to my mind. This was something a couple I considered my friends did to my daughter, not to me directly (but in a way, it was to me directly because it hurt my daughter so badly). At times, I think I’m over it, it’s behind me, all forgiven, and some days, I know that’s true. On other days, something will remind me, and I find that I still harbor some unforgiveness. I go very long periods of time without thinking about them; it’s not as if I dwell on it and plot revenge. No, but every once in a while, I will be reminded, and I just know…there’s still something there. If I see them out, I do my best to avoid speaking with them. What’s more, this was a very long time ago. It’s not how I want to be!
Forgiveness does not mean that I have to restore the relationship. But it does mean that I give it up to God. It means that I let it go, and I will no longer hold it against them. Heaven knows, God has had to put up with a lot from me!
These people probably have no clue that I still think about that incident at times. I’m sure they’ve long forgotten that day. That’s what I plan to do, as well. As my dad told me just today, “Get over it!” I suppose I need to get over myself, as well.