Friday, October 4, 2013

It Just Doesn't Care


I’m back to wearing Maypop jeans.   My Maypops.  Jeans that may pop anytime.  Addiction doesn’t care that not so long ago, these tight jeans were a little loose. 

Who knew that getting back on the wagon after a fall would be much more difficult than the first time up there?  Addiction doesn’t care that I’d rather be riding in the wagon than walking this road.

Addiction screams in my head until I give in, then it promptly chastises me for being weak, and tells me how worthless I am.  It doesn’t care that I beat yourself up with guilt. 

 Orlando...I think...definitely Florida.

Addiction doesn’t care that no matter how I try,

I can’t make a humorous post about addiction.
So, I’ll just have write a positive post.

When I wake up in the morning, I wish that I wanted to act right, but I really want to eat.  It’s the sugar in me…and addiction doesn’t care that it takes my focus off of God and onto myself and my need desire to feed.

Central Florida Zoo
I’m about to get angry at addiction, not that addiction cares.   But as a child of God, I do not have to lie down and continue to give into the sin and shame of gluttony.  I am not a slave to sin, and it is for freedom that Christ set me free.   Addiction doesn’t care that it gets in my way of remembering all the good things, the promises that I have available.   I don’t have to continue to walk in addiction, when Freedom Road has an address with my name on it!  That’s right, addiction, I have a home on Freedom Street, not skid row!

Addiction doesn’t care that God longs to change me, if I will let Him.  I am sure He is teaching me things as I struggle; it’s up to me to learn and stop struggling, to be still and know that He is God.   Addiction doesn’t care about me, but God does.
Deibert the reflection!

Forgive me as I post, yet again, the poem I wrote in 2009…because it’s something I need desperately to remember.

No Survivor Am I

My worth isn’t measured by my current condition,
Opinions of others, or my present position.
Though my foot may slip, I am not incomplete,
My failures are never my final defeat.
By God’s grace, I’ll dance though the fire,
Knowing by faith I’ll not drown in the mire.
A survivor is never what I shall be
But a powerful overcomer for others to see.
My suffering, I’ll know, was never in vain,
Seeing someone’s miracle brought out of my pain.
My destiny isn’t sealed by today’s situation,

For my current position is not my final destination.

Have a great weekend!!


  1. Seen on a kitchen plaque: God must have loved calories...He made so many of them.

    1. Yeah, and I know where most of them are...on my butt and gut.

  2. I was in 2 Chronicles chapter 20 today (go and read it, its not a long chapter).......Anyway, here was some thoughts I had about it; maybe it can relate to you, maybe not, but I thought of it when I read your post.

    Steps of victory based on what Jehosphat did in 2 Chronicles 20.

    He identified the problem (vast army coming against them)

    How he addressed the problem:
    1. Inquired of God.
    2. Proclaimed a fast for all Judah.
    3. People came together to seek God.

    Admit you can't solve the problem on your own. Jehosphat says "for we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We don't know what to do but our eyes are upon you (Lord).

    When they got word from God what to do, they believed and trusted. They had waited until they heard from him, they did not act on their own.

    They immediately worshipped God even before the battle was won, praise dhim.

    Even going into battle, they praised him, praised him for the splendor of his holiness, saying "give thanks to the Lord for his love endures forever."

    They saw God's great deliverance, they didn't even have to fight the battle and all their enemies were killed. After they got the plunder, they praised the Lord, returned to Jerusalem and went to the temple with harps, lutes, trumpets (I'm thinking all along praising God).

    So I characterized it as problem solving God's way:

    resolve to ask God
    seek him
    wait to move on it, don't act on your own
    but when told to act, do so
    Go into it always praising God and worshipping him
    give thanks for him, even while going through the problem.

    Realize God is the one fighting your battle, allow him to fight it,

    don't take it back

    don't try to control it.

    Now to live like this.

    now my thoughts about your situation, I truly understand.

    God has said he has given you freedom, you need to grasp that, as you know and not let that pesky addiction sneak in.

    Give it to God, as I know you have, don't take it back. Worship him, praise him, even in the struggles.

    any of this make sense?


    1. I'm sure I have the answer already, somewhere in my head. I wonder if is as simple as putting Him first, saying no to the desires of the flesh. Confusion can swallow me if I let it. I really like what you said here. God is fighting my battle, but I am doing my level best to control it. I think at one time I had that settled in my mind. Now, I don't even know if I can fast without an ulterior motive.

      I don't know how I got from there to here...back in the pit. (However, today has been good...after one of the worse days EVER yesterday.) Surely there is some justice for me, for us who have struggled so, for everything that has been stolen from me because of this affliction.

    2. I don't know why we do end up back in pits, but if you read through the Bible, I'm spending lots of time looking at the kings of Israel and Judah these days, it is amazing how some started out well, following God, and then turning and following idols. Makes you wonder why they would do something like that, yet in our own ways we are "guilty" of the same thing. I give something to God and take it back before "the ink has dried" so to speak.

      Maybe retrace steps and see if there was some "event" that got you back there. A word said, a memory remembered, who knows. Might be interesting to bring it to God and ask him to reveal if there was something that did "set it off" so to speak.


  3. "Who knew that getting back on the wagon after a fall would be much more difficult than the first time up there? Addiction doesn’t care that I’d rather be riding in the wagon than walking this road."

    Unfortunately, I knew. And if you recall my years long struggle to get back on plan, you'll see that I knew. So much failure made it look like I never had victory, I suppose...but I did.

    What I DON:T know is "why"? Why is it harder to get back to victory. Or as I so frequently ask, "What switched the victory switch off to begin with--and why doesn't it switch back?"

    All of the victorious "God has given me freedom" posts you wrote--I nodded thru them all. KNew the victory. Knew the feelings. Knew God's work on my behalf just as you did. Except that I read them with that knowledge being a memory, not a current event. As I read, my current event was failure and struggle and confusion. Some of what you'r feeling now.

    I'm hoping that you, fresh from the fields where victory was won, will be able to figure out what's up with this. Why IS it so hard to get back--and I guess, how did we snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory to begin with?

    Like you, I am certain God will be big in this situation and has a plan. I just don;t know what it is.

    ack. This comment is much less positive than I feel about our eventual success. Hard to put a positive on this much confusion and struggle here in the trenches, tho.


    1. The why! oh, if only we had the WHY of it... I do wonder if it's spiritual, like the the unclean spirit that Jesus spoke about in Matthew it comes back with seven times the vengeance, and I have ended up in worse shape than before. I know it's not the same thing, but I wonder if there's not a connection somehow.

      In no way will I give up. I really need my former mind frame back...knowing it was not on my strength that I was successful...a horse is a vain hope for deliverance..or a diet plan is useless (Ps 33)

      I flat refuse to stay in this state of confusion in the bottom of this pit. It was home too long for me. Justice...we are due some justice.


Have musings of your own? Comments are welcome...

Blog Archive