Monday, August 7, 2017

My Completely Erroneous Diet Rules


  1. You can only start a diet on Monday. 
  2. You can’t start a diet on Monday if you know you are going out to eat on Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday…or any day that particular week. 
  3. If you have a Jack’s biscuit (of any variety) for breakfast, the day is shot, eat all you want. 
  4. If you eat candy as a pick-me-up in the afternoon, the diet is over. Start again next Monday. 
  5. If you are going on vacation, put off all dieting until the second Monday after you get back. 
  6. If you lose 3 pounds in a week, reward yourself with a Jack’s biscuit and refer to Rule 3. 
  7. If you eat too much for lunch on Tuesday, do not skip supper. In fact, the diet is shot, eat all you want, plus dessert! Start again on Monday. 
  8. Have a plan, think only of that plan, feel guilty even if you think of anything but that plan. Beat yourself up for eating a marshmallow; refer to Rule 4, then wonder how much you can eat before Monday. 
  9. On the days that you are doing great, judge others for what they are eating. If you know them well enough, judge them out loud and to their faces. 
  10. On the days that you are not doing so well, pester those people you judged the day before until they give in and eat the pizza buffet with you for lunch. (Make sure they leave as miserably stuffed as you.) 
  11. While on a binge, when you eat (which will be most of the day) remind yourself constantly that you’ll get started on Monday. 
  12. While binge-eating, eat fast. It won’t make Monday arrive any quicker, but you can eat more that way. 
  13. On Monday, try one of the plans you’ve already failed at 170 times. 
  14. Spend half of your paycheck on one of the various diet plans, chemical concoctions, gym memberships, or “diet” food. 
  15. And finally, weigh every day and agonize over every ounce that is gained, even if yesterday you weighed naked in the morning, but today are weighing fully clothed at night.




5 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha! Okay! I won't start the diet today!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Margaret, I just want you to know that I have those EXACT same rules. Every one. The only one that's missing here for me is, "Starve yourself all day because you did poorly yesterday, have a low carb dinner--and then eat
    all evening.

    We seriously need to get ourselves a new rule book!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well...I have done so much thinking, and come to some conclusions over the months. Getting it out of my head and onto the paper...er, screen...that's the thing.

      Delete
  3. It seems to me that maybe you should eliminate the word "diet" from your vocabulary and substitute it with something else. Seems like that word could be an obstacle and has so much negativity associated with it that you are "doomed to fail" before you even start. Perhaps healthier lifestyle or something else might yield better success? Just my thought and I gave up on dieting a few years back. Surprisingly no weight loss, but no weight gain and no binging, etc.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed. Came to that conclusion long ago. This list was to show the ridiculousness of my thought processes over the years.

      Delete

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