Perhaps years, or merely months or weeks, after an abortion, a wondering thought may pop unbidden into your mind, “Was my baby a boy or a girl?” In time, those wonderings become less fleeting, and you may find yourself lingering on the thoughts that were once only momentary. What would she have looked like? What would her laughter sound like? What could he have accomplished, had he been given the opportunity?
Who, besides me, missed out on his touch, her scent, his or her love?
When the realization sets in that it was truly a life, a gift from God, there will be moments of profound sadness. That grief will most likely not rule or ruin your life, but the feeling may be there. A cute toddler will remind you of the hugs you never received. A child’s laughter may make you long for the laughter you never heard. Brief sorrow will infiltrate family gatherings as you watch your cousins, now young mothers, with their newborns.
As you look into the smiling face of your child, you will look into her eyes and realize that “the abortion” was your child, too.
Perhaps long ago, you got down on your knees and begged forgiveness from a loving God, who did, in fact, forgive you. If you haven’t done that, I pray that this day, you will do find a quiet place, and talk to God about it. You don’t have to beg Him, either. You say a heartfelt prayer for forgiveness, and He will remove that action from your account.
If you are at a loss as to how to pray about it, let this model you started, or use this as your prayer:
Gracious and forgiving Lord,
Thank You for being a loving and forgiving God. As You know, I had an abortion some time ago. I realize that what I did was wrong, and I am truly sorry. I ask Your forgiveness, and I ask You to help me to forgive myself and deal with my actions so that I can be used by You to help others if I am ever needed in this capacity. Thank You, Lord, for Your forgiveness.I cannot stress how important it is to forgive yourself. It may not be easy, but with God’s help, it can definitely be done. You may or may not want to talk about your situation with others. Perhaps you never shared it with your family or friends. It is not as if you have to! But if you feel like you’d like to discuss it, go to your trusted friend or family member, or your pastor, and talk about it.
If you find deep grief or unrelenting guilt plagues you, find a good Christian counselor and get some help. Guilt is a dead end street, and you do NOT have to carry that burden one day longer. Counselors can help you if you are unable to let it go.
I’ll leave you with this thought…if you sincerely asked forgiveness from God, you are forgiven. It really is okay to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is the only way you can really help others.